A Love Letter (of sorts)

Is there room for me? I whisper to Simon, hoping the kiss of air I’ve sent him finds its place against the soft crook of his smile.
At 12:13 in the morning, the night air sits quietly against my cheek as my tears run along the base of my jaw, carving a path through my skin like shards of steel, tainted with my pain and covered in my love. My mind has been violated, filled with the empty promises that you had whispered when the moon was full. I’m drowning in the sorrow that lays heavy on my soul while I study your motions, wavering through the glass like a dancer who is balancing at the edge of love and unknowing. The branches of the willow before me sway with your movement, breaking open to the silent beat of the music, so that I can see you.
The night sky is a thick blanket above my head - the moon the pillow that welcomes my weak muscles. Aching has become a regular emotion that I embrace, because without it I feel nothing. My skin is numb as the blade finds its way to veins that carry life, an atlas of blue that begs to be released. The love I have for you spills across me, dampening the layers that were once protected by you, now open for the world to reject.
The car door creaks as I make my exit, shouting to the universe that there is movement below and you stop dancing, staring blankly ahead at the belly of the darkness that surrounds us. You move toward me, causing me to quickly dart behind the sturdy wall of a maple, bracing the pads of my fingers deeply into the skin of the mighty tree, wishing it would split itself and wrap me in its protection. I stand motionless as my mind races, wondering if you’ll be happy to see me.
We are love.
I smile as these words drift me in and out of conciseness and work their way around my scars.
I slowly peek around the bark of the tree, hoping to catch another glimpse of your perfection, but am disappointed when I see nothing but the empty space where your body once stood. The thought of your skin against mine revives me, reminding me that I am still alive and gives me reason to hope. There will always be room for you in my heart, space that can never be filled by another and I tell you this, to remind you of your vow to me.
Leaving the sanctity of the tree, I find myself winding down a walkway, gliding on memories I had forgotten existed. Do you remember the last time we danced together? We twirled through the grass behind the stables of your house and you told me you would always be there for me. Your dark eyes silently promising to forgive me of all my past sins, telling me things that your lips could not. I could hear them though. From your heart to mine, you promised to always love me.
Love me, Simon. Love me like you did before my mind left us. Your voice echoes through my skin, vibrating off of my blood vessels and settling with a force between my ears. What? I ask you. How should I get there?
I can feel the skin of my fingers peeling away; layer by layer my finger tips have become soft pillows of pink tissue, and I stop to stare at them as I make my way to you, unsure of what has happened to them. I rewind my thoughts, grasping for some kind of explanation, something to tell me what has happened.
My mind breaks at the sound of your voice, guiding me along the brick pathway that leads deeper into the property. I can only make out a silhouette now, twirling along the same rugged path my slow, heavy feet are on. You seem happy to see me.
Are you happy Simon? Am I a good girl now?
I wait breathlessly for your answer, bracing myself on a small post that has been driven through the dirt, breaking away the living ground for reasons I’m not sure of. Why aren’t you answering me?! I shout, coughing as my words pass my lips. I touch a hand to my mouth, pulling away quickly at the burn of my skin. What has happened to me? Where are you? I can’t see you anymore!
I force my feet to move again, begging each muscle to work so that I can finally reach you. It’s dark outside, and I’m not able to see you. How do you know where I am? I have to shuffle my sore feet along the path, grazing my hand along each tree to feel my way. Suddenly I’m near, I can feel you. A painful smile marks my face as my feet hurry across the grass. There is light now! I can finally see you!
I’m here Simon! I hold strong as I slice through the damp lawn, digging my now bare toes deep into the earth. My heart is beating so rapidly, I can feel it in my bare fingers. I follow as you sprint ahead of me, your laughter breaking through the vibrant singing of birds overhead. Even they are happy for us!
Stopping short of a large spruce, I drop to my knees and begin digging my broken fingers through the ground. The dirt softens as my blood trickles down my arm, and puddles at the point in which my fingers make contact. How far down? I ask.
“Keep going. You’ll know when you see it.” Your soft voice guides me on my journey. I feel the hard packs of earth digging deep into my forearms, splitting and hacking at my skin. My nails snap under the pressure at which I am forcing them, burying myself deeper into the ground. I can feel you now. I’m close, Simon. I’ m almost there.
“You’re a good girl, Carly. Keep going.”
I see you! I’m here Simon! My face burns with relief as I open the wooden door that separates us, wriggling myself into the small space you have left for me. There is just enough room for me to curl my body next to yours, as I pull the door shut. I rest my eyes, noticing now how heavy they’ve become. I’ll only rest for a minute. Then we’ll dance again.